No real comment or introduction to this. It’s just a bit of silliness dedicated to a friend of mine.
How to Owl:
Step 1: Believe with all your might that owls are special. They are the most special animal of all animals. They have insight into the entire universe.
Step 2: Don’t ask for evidence. Just believe. Owls are freakin’ special. Trust me.
Step 3: Definitely don’t ask for counter-evidence. If people tell you stories about owls just being owls, ignore them. Those stories don’t count. If people tell you stories about squirrels being connected to the supernatural, tell them they are wrong. Squirrels are clearly not owls.
Step 4: Decide that you do not need peer review. Owls are not your peers! They are greater than that.
Step 5: Watch for owls everywhere you go. Believe that they are trying to tell you something. Believe that owl is the exact same one you saw last week in California.
Step 6: If you believe a little bit harder, the owl will open its wings and the mysteries of the universe will be written in its feathers.
Step 7: Maybe the owl will teach you to fly.
Step 8: Go live in the woods. Bury yourself in the brambles. Pretend you are a digging owl.
Step 9: Observe owl behavior. Act like the owls. wave your arms as if you are flapping your feathers. Puff out your chest. Learn to hoot like an owl.
Step 10: Start eating mice.
Step 11: Jump off your roof and try not to die.
Step 12: If you believe a little bit harder, the owls will catch you. They will carry you far away to a magical land like James in the Giant Peach. Oh wait… that was seagulls.
Step 13: Sell your house and build a large nest in a tree. This will also serve the additional purpose of preventing people from cutting down the tree. It will also serve the purpose of making you famous and getting you on TV.
Step 14: Start eating your food whole.
Step 15: Try to turn your head all the way around.
Step 16: Get Lasik.
Step 17: Get some kind of implants that make your hearing super strong… if such things exist.
Step 18: If they don’t exist, ask the aliens.
Step 19: Start telling people there are aliens. You know because the owls told you.
Step 20: Wonder if the owls are actually aliens. Try to research the technology they have for their amazing vision and hearing. Insist their vision is so good they can see the future.
Step 21: Decide that stuffed owls are also important.
Step 22: Buy a stuffed owl and keep it in your car. This way, there will always be an owl of significance if you see a UFO.
Step 23: Tell people you saw a UFO and it was important because there was a stuffed owl in your car.
Step 24: Tell people the stuffed owl told you about the aliens.
Step 25: Tell them you know about the aliens because you were an owl in a past life.
Step 26: You are secretly an owl.
Step 27: Be the owl. You are the owl.